Monday, November 24, 2014

laying down my rights

Real Talk: I almost didn't post this. Even while writing this I am debating whether or not to actually let others see this. But this is what it is all about, right? So I lay down my right to independence and say that I am "inter-dependent" and that I need the Body of Christ. So without further ado... here is the struggle.

Grace, you need to be independent. Grace, never trust anyone. Grace, relying on others is weakness. Deal with things on your own. These are your own issues so figure it out.

I have a right to be independent. There is no reason to have to rely on others. My life, my problems, my secrets. I have mastered the art of transparency without being vulnerable. My life is an open book, but the secret is that I’m still struggling. I can tell you every story. I don’t mind you knowing that I have had issues. Yet I hold on to the right to appear to have it all together. I don’t want to admit that I cannot do things on my own.

For a long time I decided that my wounds from the past are my own to try and fix. I put bandaids on top of deep cuts. I temporarily cover these things even though they need surgery. It doesn’t even bother me to display the wounds as long as I maintain a facade of having been healed. Never allowing these things to heal properly because of the fear of being hurt even more. Even to God I try and brush it off and say that it isn’t that bad. I deny my need for any assistance. These are my issues. These are my problems. I must deal with them. It is my right to deal with it however I desire.

But the reality is that my life is the Lord’s. It is not my right to hide the pain. It is not for me to decide how to bandage, clean, and then heal the open gashes. I used to have this idea that being numb to the pain meant that I had healing from it. I suppressed memories and told myself that if I didn't think about them then I didn’t have to confront them. But Christ tells me to come to Him even though I am weary and weighed down. He gives me rest. He sustains me. He guides my steps.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

So… My name is Lindsay Grace Bigler. I am not my own. I struggle with feeling discouraged. I struggle with battling lies. And my Jesus is strength even though I’m weak.

No comments:

Post a Comment